I Know That My Savior Loves Me

I have lots of favorite songs, but this is one of my Favorite Children's Songs that my kids sing at church. I found this recording of it on YouTube and loved how it included children, sons and daughters of God, at all ages. Thought I would share as it brings much Peace to my soul today.

 "I Know He Lives."

Listen to the end...I love the little boy trying to hold the note!

Baby It's Cold Outside

WARNING!! This post may be hard for some to see but know that I'm doing well.

Since my last post, I've had my second round of chemo and my injection. I'm actually doing much better this time than last time. Have only had a little nausea so far and small headaches. I started taking medicine as soon as symptoms started this time and have noticed a big difference. Why didn't I do that last time? Because I was told not to start taking any meds until the next day because I was given similar meds in my IVs before chemo. But symptoms started the night of chemo, so I went all night with symptoms before getting any meds, making it hard to catch up. Appetite has been pretty good as well. The big difference this time is my hair.  

So last post I showed you how my hair had started to thin and I cut it shorter to help manage the hair loss that was happening. Well, each day has progressively gotten much worse. How do you know when it's time to shave it? My advice, do it before it starts coming out in patches. I guess there's always the hope that it'll just thin and you might be one of the one's that doesn't loose their hair. My nurse did warn me that there are many reasons they call my chemo the "Red Devil." I get a little nauseous even typing about it. 

Long story short, each morning when I've done my hair it's been a little emotional. Yesterday was the hardest because it started to come out in patches. I knew it was time. So...last night I let each of my kids take a turn shaving my head. The little boys joined in on the fun and even Kiersten wanted to shave her head. But seeing how it's taken us almost 8 years to get her hair the length it is now, I told her no. 

We took several pictures but I will only share a couple here. Honestly, for me, it was easier to shave it off then it was seeing it come out it clumps. I officially look like a Cancer patient now!

Started with Rachael just cutting it shorter before the shave.

I'm just showing a back picture because the front is really patching from the hair that fell out, and for me personally it's harder to look at. So that's why your getting a back shot.

It's officially all gone.

This is me being Brave!

I will say this, bald is cold but a hair dryer still does wonders. :)

It's Starting to Happen

I noticed a little of this yesterday...

Which lead to this today...

So now I look like this....

Thank you Heather for making it more manageable! 

Now there won't be as much hair to clean up after as it continues to fall out.

(BTW, that was a cut hair pile above, not pulled hair.)

Round Two Tomorrow - Basic Chemo Information

Round Two of Chemotherapy happens tomorrow morning. This post will be mostly informational for basic Chemo questions that get asked. This information will come from a book I was given entitled, Breast Cancer Treatment Handbook. I will also be recording my current symptom status and what foods worked for the treatment before. I need to keep a log, so as I get further into this process and the chemo fog sets in, I will not have to rely on my memory alone.

Most often people think of chemotherapy as the drugs that cause hair loss and nausea. Chemotherapy is a compound of two words that mean "chemical" and "treatment". We have all experienced treatment with chemicals, such as antibiotics and cold medicines, for other illnesses. The word chemotherapy usually refers to treatment of cancer through the use of drugs. This is systemic treatment that travels to all parts of the body through the bloodstream. A combination of several drugs may be used to fight cancer. The drugs selected will have different side effects and work in different ways to kill or control growth of any cancer cells that may be left in the body.

Goals of Chemotherapy Drugs:

• Destroy cancer cells in other parts of the body
• Stop cancer from spreading to other parts of the body
• Slow cancer growth
• Relieve symptoms of cancer

Chemotherapy works by killing cells that are dividing in your body. Cancer cells are constantly dividing until something disrupts this cycle, which is the role of chemotherapy. Even when the surgeon thinks all of your tumor has been removed, you may receive adjuvant chemotherapy because there is a possbiility that some cells may have broken away from the original site and moved through the lymphatic or blood vessels to other parts of your body (metastasis) where they cannot be detected; this is called micrometastasis (the cells are too small to be detected). Adjuvant chemotherapy helps destroy these cells. 

Because chemotherapy works by killing only dividing cells, most of the side effects will be on the cells in your body that are constantly dividing to produce new cells. These cells are found in your bone marrow, where your blood components are made, resulting in lowered blood cell counts; in the gastrointestinal tract, resulting in a possible sore throat, sore mouth, or diarrhea; and in hair follicles, which could result in hair loss. Most of these cells are able to recover quickly when treatment is over. Therefore, these side effects are temporary.

I've been cautioned not to listen to anyone else's stories about their side effects of chemo because there are about 100 types of cancer, including approximately 15 different types of breast cancer; and just as many drugs being used to treat them, so side effects will be different for everyone. Chemo may be given by mouth, as an injection into the muscle or fatty tissues, or into a vein by an I.V. Most chemo for breast cancer is given intravenously. I receive most of mine this way through my mediport.

I am doing Neoadjuvant Chemotherapy. Sometimes several doses of chemo may be given before surgery to shrink a tumor; this is called Neoadjuvant Chemotherapy. The doctors opted to go this route with me because of the size of my tumors and the fact that it's already in my lymph nodes. It will help shrink the tumors before my surgery and kill any cancer that has traveled undetected elsewhere in my body. 

Nadir is the time in treatment when chemo drugs impact my blood count causing my blood values to fall to their lowest levels. Different drugs impact different blood components so the doctor will tell me when nadir is expected. During this time I will feel most fatigued if red blood cells are impacted, be most susceptible to acquiring an infection or virus if white blood cells are lowered and have the highest potential for spontaneous bleeding if platelets are decreased. Usually this is midway between scheduled treatments. Blood levels are allowed to come back to near normal before my next treatment is given. 

I will not be covering all the different symptoms and treatments of each because there are sooo many and everyone is different. I will keep a list of my symptoms, meds and foods that are working each time so I can pull this up on my phone for the doctor.

First Chemo (March 12)

Current Meds:

• Lidocaine/Prilocaine Cream- for mediport
• Ondansetron (O-drug) 8mg- nausea
• Prochlorperazine (P-drug) 10mg- nausea
• Claritin- helps with achiness from white blood cell booster injections
• Prilosec- Heartburn
• Synthroid 175mcg- thyroid

Symptoms:

• Nausea (Thursday through Monday)
• Headache (Thursday through Monday)
• Hot Flash (Friday and Saturday)
• Metal taste in mouth (Always there)
• Heartburn/Acid Reflux (Started Wednesday)
• Hair just feels different, very slight thinning started yesterday (March 24)

Foods that worked during Nausea last time:

• Berry smoothie with spinach, yougurt, apple juice
• Orange Julius with banana
• little cutie oranges
• bananas
• raw almonds
• carrots, olives, cucumbers with cottage cheese southern ranch dip
• popsicles
• multigrain toast
• orange pop
• cranraspberry juice
• salty foods: popcorn, chips
• flavored water

It's interesting, as I sit here typing this and Angelina Jolie's story pops up on the news. We are the same age, fighting the same scare. She avoiding the possibilty and I living the reality. I'm currently doing very well. Shad let me go to the kids track meet last night as it was outside and I'm feeling pretty good. The wind was cold but it felt so good to be outside. 

As I was sitting in the waiting room, on the day of Shad's surgery, there was a group of friends laughing and conversing about different issues. I would guess that they were a little older than my parents. One of the topics that was brought up was a brother, of someone in the group, fighting cancer in Seattle. They were discussing how he had 30 doctors working on his case and wondered how that was even possible. They were pretty loud in their conversation so I thought it might be ok to give my two bits on how that is possible. I explained how groups of doctors get together and discuss different patients cases and how they would treat them. One lady in the group asked how I would know this and I gave a very short version of my story. They asked me what my name was and if they could add my name to their prayer list. With an overwhelming sense of emotion and deep gratitude I said, "Yes." Many people, of different faiths tell my family on a regular basis how we are in their daily prayers. I know that Heavenly Father listens to all prayers and that we are all sons and daughters of God. I receive peace, strength and healing through your prayers. Thank you and love you!

Miss My Kids Activities

Update from Doctor Today:

Had a doctors visit to check my white blood count levels since first chemo treatment. She said my levels are really low, extremely low and that I should avoid any crowds. She told me I have a low grade fever. I thought, "Really? I'm feeling great!" No church, school activities and wash, wash our hands. This is not what I wanted to hear. 

I was having a sad moment this morning because I hate missing my kids activities. Kiersten had a talk in primary last Sunday, Caleb spoke at the Blue and Gold Banquet last night, Cameron has his 5th grade Math Team Competition happening right now, Makenna is a Little Sister for Junior Miss tonight and tomorrow and Caleb and Makenna will have two track meets this week. I'm so sad to miss all of these events.  I asked her if I could please attend Junior Miss tomorrow if I found a way to sit away from everyone and wear a mask and she said I could. I realize that I won't even see Makenna until the end but atleast she'd know her mom is in the audience supporting her. I realize this is just a short amount of time in the grand scheme of things and that what I'm doing is more important for my kids later, but it's still hard. I drove to school today, for the first time in weeks, and had Cameron meet me in front of the school at my car to give him some treats before he left for his competition. Just wanted him to know that his mom was thinking of him and wishing she was there.

So... we have some new rules at our house 

that EVERYONE must follow.

You should see these signs on our front door.

Our mom is busy fighting cancer, so we have some new rules at our house. The chemo has weakened her immune system so we have to be extra careful. Please read and obey the rules before visiting.

New Rules:

1. Everyone must wash their hands with soap and water when entering our house.

2. If you feel ANY cold symptoms: sore throat, cough, runny nose, congestion, flu...please      reschedule.

3. If you have young children in your home, you must wear a mask.

A cute friend of mine dropped these signs off the other day 

to hang from my front door knob:

They say:

1. Hooray I am having a "Great Day" Visitors Welcome

2. Please DO NOT Disturb Busy Beating Cancer

3. Knock Quietly If I am awake I will come to the door. If I am resting PLEASE leave a note so I know that you stopped by to say "Hi."

Then she attached a magnet to a ziplock bag with a notepad and pen. Isn't that so clever.

She said, "Basically, I currently have no immunue system to fight anything off. I need to watch my fever and if it rises even one point I will end up in the emergency room, even though I feel great!" So current goal is to lay low, like I have been all week, and stay out of the hospital until next round of chemo.

Angels Among Us

I'm not sure I can get through this post today. My emotions of love and gratitude for family, friends and people in this community are overflowing. There is no place I'd rather be going through something like this then here. So many words of love and encouragement expressed through texts and letters, dinner for my family, flowers, gifts to help me get through chemo. How do you ever repay people back for such things? Obviously, I can't; except to give back to others when I can. The service being rendered in behalf of my family is not going unappreciated or forgotten. As I was laying down the other day, the words of this song came into my head:

Oh, I believe there are Angels among us,

Sent down to us from somewhere up above.

They come to you and me in our darkest hours

To show us how to live

To teach us how to give

To guide us with a light of love.

This is all of you to me. Angels in our time of need. As I write this, tears stream down my face. Know that I love you and am forever grateful for your service to my family.

Gotta love Winnie the Pooh!

Quick update, I'm feeling much better the last couple of days. Haven't been nauseous or had bad headaches since Monday. Just a little more tired then normal. Meet with doctor tomorrow for lab work and see how my body is reacting to the first round of chemo. I will give more details of that later. 

Happy Pi Day!

Apparently, today is a special day. Not only because it's my birthday but because today is an event that happens only once every 100 years. Pi Day is a celebration of the mathematical term term (pi). (3.141592653...) My kids High School is celebrating this event with a party tonight and I think something is supposed to happen when the time reaches 9:26:53. I've personally never liked pie, as a food or in math, so pie was not on my birthday menu today.

I just wanted to thank everyone for the many wonderful birthday wishes I received today! Several of you stopped by and I was sleeping. Sorry for that. I was hoping to squeak by without any side effects on this first dose of chemo, but no such luck. Since my last posting I have experienced much nausea, headaches, and neck pain. The neck pain I believe is from the white blood cell injection I received on Friday. The nurse warned me that it tends to rest in the bones somewhere in the vertebrae or sternum. She said I should feel like I have the flu for about 3 days. They gave me meds for the nausea, but it comes in waves.

In our Visiting Teaching message this month, I just read, "Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace and faith. It means staying with something...even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"-President Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  I hope and pray to have the Patience to endure this well.

1st Day of Chemo

Chemo Schedule Today

9:30 Blood Draw

10:30 Chemo Oncologist Follow Up (Eric Gamboa)

11:00 Infusion

I think the pictures are pretty self explanatory. Today so far has been pretty good. Aside from a pretty good headache (which could totally be normal), I'm feeling pretty good; just tired (and that's probably normal as well.) I am dealing with some nausea now later tonight. Figured I'd take some pictures today while I still have hair. They said most people start losing it by two weeks. The first chemo they gave me was red, my favorite color! That was a good start to this process.

The picture on the right is significant to me because it shows two cancer battle wounds in one picture. My thyroid scar from 12 years ago and my current mediport. The IV into my mediport was painless, thank heavens! I was just a little worried about it.

I've had several friends and family members give me fun quilts and blankets. I took a couple of them today not knowing what to expect. I've been told you can get cold during your treatment. One was thicker and warmer and the other lighter. I wasn't cold today so switched to the lighter quilt. My nurse can't wait to see the other blankets I bring.

One of my friends gave me Nike Breast Cancer Elite socks. We'll see if any of my kids try to steal these. The picture on the right shows my chemo scheduler. Wanted to get up and move a little.

This is Shad and I leaving after I was done. Which one do you think is the patient? LOL 

Great support even when I know he's not feeling well himself.

Tomorrow I just have an injection at 1:45, so it will be a fast trip. Keeping it short tonight, nausea is getting stronger. Love you all for your faith and support. Try to post more tomorrow.

Prayer of Thanks

Today after the surgery was done, I was waiting in the consultation room to speak to the surgeon. He walked in and told me everything had gone as planned and Shad should be ready to go soon. He asked me what day I was to start chemo and if I had any more questions. I told him that all my scans had been completed last week but I hadn't heard back on anything yet. He told me he'd take a look at them and let me know.

As we were driving home he called my phone and let me know the news. He apologized for making me wait a little but he had another surgery he needed to complete. He took a glance at my scans and called me back before his next surgery. Results...right breast has more tumors smaller in size and left breast has one more tumor right next to the one that's already there. There was a specific name he called it but I can't remember what that is now and I was driving so I couldn't write it down. But that's all they saw, meaning... NO CANCER anywhere else in my body! So in other words, we go along with the same game plan we already had. The new tumors don't change anything because they're located in an area we were already getting rid of. Chemo should kill any cells that have traveled other places in my body.

Year's Game Plan

1. Chemo starts this Thursday and Friday. It will continue every two weeks for four months.

2. Take a month off after chemo to recoup for double mastectomy, I'm guessing middle of August.

3. Recoup from that is 4-6 weeks, then start Radiation. Radiation will be Monday thru Friday for
    six-and-a-half weeks.

4. Remove ovaries or full hysterectomy.

5. I've decided not to do reconstruction until after my body recovers from everything above, probably     the following summer or fall.

I've talked about the importance of praying and asking but I also think it's important to thank Heavenly Father. I would ask if tonight, in your prayers as a family, individually or at dinner if you'd thank Heavenly Father for allowing the cancer to be contained. The fact that it's in my lymph nodes and hasn't spread yet to any major organs is a huge relief and miracle to our family. I hope many prayers of thanks go out tonight to a loving Heavenly Father that gives us what we need and sometimes, if it's his will, what we want as well.

Life Goes On

A beautiful part of Heavenly Father's Plan is that Life Goes On.

A friend of mine stopped by the other day and used one of her many talents to add some beautiful color to the front of my house. She didn't tell me she was going to do this. My kids noticed her out the front windows of our house and wondered what she was doing. A beautiful reminder in early spring of Heavenly Father's blessing that life goes on. Amidst all the trials and chaos of life one thing is constant and true, Life Goes On. At different points in our life, this fact may seem harsh or cruel but in reality how sad life would be if it didn't. 

What many of you may not know is before I found out I was sick my husband was signed up for several surgeries that he needed. Those were put on hold due to my situation. But this morning, we were able to do one of them quickly, before chemo starts this week. My same general surgeon was the one who performed it. He knows my timeline of events and thought now would be the best time to hurry and squeeze this one in, before farming season and my treatments. 

Yes, I know... love this surgeon.

Just had to take a picture of the license plate on the bottom of his bed. Isn't that awesome! All went well and he's home recovering now. Should be raring to go by Thursday.

Grateful for someone who supports me in all aspects of my life. I'll take a turn and be his nurse for a few days. Love you Sweetheart!

Don't be Afraid

I know many of you are waiting for updates on my scans this week, but honestly there is nothing to tell. I go in, they do the scans, I come home. So I've decided not to report anything on these until next week when I know more information. I'll just say, they've gone smoother then expected (referring to the physical drain on my body,) just tired of daily trips to town and daily IV's for injections. I decided on this post maybe I'd answer some questions that people are asking or not asking. :)

1. "I don't know what to say to her."

Don't worry, I don't know what to say to you either. I know that there are many people checking this post because they care and want to know what's going on so they can help, but don't know what to say. What do you say to someone who has cancer? You don't have to say anything. A smile or even a just a touch from someone passing by let's me know you care and noticed me. Notes, texts, or emails of encouragement do wonders at a time like this. If you can talk, talk to me about anything that's happening. I love knowing what's going on in the community, at school, church, your kids, my kids, family, whatever. I'm still the same person I was before; wife, mother, daughter, teacher, and friend. You can even talk to me about cancer. It's ok! If you think it's scary to talk about, imagine being the one told you have it and then no one wants to talk to you about it. :) Scary thing to fight alone, so my advice is Don't be afraid.

2. "Why didn't they see this in your yearly exam in Seattle?"

For those of you who don't know, I'll give you the short version. Twelve years ago I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer. Over the course of the next several years, I was treated at UofW Hospital and Seattle Cancer Care Alliance with radiation I-131 treatments. I'm still currently a patient there even though I'm obviously past my five year remission mark. I have abnormal lymph nodes in my neck that they check annually in August through ultrasound and scans. The odds of those turning into anything are really small but they have to watch them. So why didn't they see this? Because they don't check your whole body, just the previously affected area; so my neck. This is one misconception of cancer that I think people have. In my limited experience with cancer and doctors this is what I've been told. A full body scan for things like cancer is only ever performed once at the beginning of your treatment. Why? I was told in full body scans, there's all sorts of flags that show up right? We all have things wrong with us, but most of those things will never metastasis or materialize into anything. So if we start going and fixing everything thats wrong with our bodies that MIGHT turn into something, we could be doing a lot more harm then good. You could be removing things that never would have turned into anything during your lifetime and cause bigger problems later because you took them out. So...until I felt the lump myself or had other symptoms show, it never would have been checked.

3. "Why did this happen to you?"

I realize this is a broad question, not just referring to me but people in general. "Why did this happen to me." I can honestly say, that I have NEVER asked myself that question. My mind doesn't go there, It automatically goes to, ok...now what do I need to do to get rid of this, so I can go on with my life. I don't have time for this, let's figure out the game plan and get the ball rolling. People have asked, Why do bad things happen to good people? I don't know why. I remember once at church hearing a lady describe a tender moment in her life and asking the Lord, Why me? And the answer she got, "Why not you?" I have always remembered that. Why not Me? Would I want this to happen to someone else I know or love? Of course not! Do I think I'm better then anyone else and don't deserve something like this to happen to me? Absolutely not! I would much rather take this on, then have to watch a loved one do the same. I know we must experience the bad to enjoy or even recognize the good. If I protected my children from everything that could hurt them they would never learn and grow. I think that is how Heavenly Father is with us. I'm sure there's lots of times he would like to step into our lives and stop bad things from happening but I also believe he knows more then we do. He realizes that some of that bad needs to be experienced, to enjoy other blessings later.  I truly meant when I wrote..."through this experience my kids will get to experience blessings and miracles that others only read or hear about." What a blessing to our family. Obviously I will get much worse before this gets better. Not every day will I be blogging with a smile on my face, but every day I will turn to the Lord for Peace, Strength and Healing.

To trust means to obey willingly without knowing the end from the beginning. In Proverbs, chapter 3 verses 5&6 it reads: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." I have faith in the Lord that he knows what he's doing even though I don't understand. He may not always give me what I want, but he always gives me what I need.

It has been hard for me to learn over these past two weeks how sick I really am. I think I'm putting on a pretty good face but I realize that in the next two weeks reality will set in and I'm going to have bad days. I hate the fact that I'm a sick mom and that by the end of the year, everything that makes me feel like a woman physically will be taken from me. I hate having to rely on so many people for help because I have a large family still at home. It's different when the momma is sick. It affects so many, but I also know how my life is blessed when I help someone else. All my worries and concerns fall to the wayside and perspective is put back into life when I'm helping others. There have been many who have wanted to help, know that I am asking for help when we need it. Right now, things are pretty good but help will be needed soon in the coming weeks. I have received texts and letters of encouragement from many of you. Know that I read all of them, though I may not have the strength to respond to all of them. I am praying that Heavenly Father blesses you and your families for the Christlike service and love you are showing to mine. Thank you with all of my heart!

Sisters Ala Carte in Full Swing

Sisters Ala Carte was in full swing today. They had fun without me! Humbling sight to see friends come together and support one of their own. Amazing what can get done in just a couple hours. Words can't express how thankful we are for this. Love You Ladies!!

Scan Schedule this Week

Life has been pretty sore since my biopsies and mediport insert last week. I get a burning/tearing sensation on my sides when I move into certain positions or try to roll in bed. Needless to say, sleep hasn't been part of my vocabulary this weekend. Today I decided, I could either be sore laying down or sore working around my house; so I decided to move while I still can. I made it through church on Sunday so today I could work on the wash. It just feels better to work.

This weeks schedule is full of scans:

Monday- MUGA Scan: injected dye scan that monitors the strength of my heart muscles left ventricle. They need this to compare to another MUGA scan four months from now after chemo. Some of my chemo medications can weaken this part of my heart so they need to monitor it.

Wednesday- Meet with Dr. Mendell, radiation doctor.

Thursday- MRI of chest, worried about this because they're going to make me lay on my stomach. My mediport is still very sore so can't imagine this will feel comfortable.

Friday- PET Scan, another dye injected scan. Used to see if cancer has spread anywhere else in my body.

Today was a bit daunting for me. I read the packets of information the doctors gave me on all my recommended chemos. Honestly, by the time I was done I thought, "who would do this to themselves?" There's not one positive thing listed on 50 pages that I just read. The side effects are not only scary but life threatening and even warn of getting different cancers years later. I'll be feeling my body with poison and killing my immune system. And this is a good thing? Chemo may not kill me, but the common cold might when I have no immune system to fight it off.

I read very little on some other therapies such as IV Ozone therapy, IV Vitamin C therapy, RGCC Oncostat Plus Test and medical cannabis. I don't know anything about any of these, but might do some more reading before going back to the doctor and ask many more questions. I'm not going crazy, just thinking about all my options. I've learned from past experience, that no one is going to care more about my body than I do and I plan on being around a while longer. Needless to say, today was a little emotional for me but my kids high school band and choir concert was a much better ending to my day. Thank you Mr. Kitson and Mrs. McGary! Just wish you had a few more songs.

She Believed She Could So She Did

Wanted to put a shout out to my Beautiful Rachael Christine. She has been officially accepted by both BYU and BYUI.  She looks college bound in the picture above. (Not sure I like that.) She heard from BYUI over a month ago and BYU last Friday. She plans on majoring in Nursing, but I know that she loves English as well. Love this girl more then words can express! Heavenly Father knew I needed her in my life. As she has reminded me so many times, "I'm so lucky to have her." She is just a small thing, but the best gifts come in small packages and she's no exception. She was born to Stand Out. If Rachael sets her mind to something she will find a way to get it done and do it well. She's a beautiful Daughter of God and I'm so blessed she calls me Mom.